Quick Notes on Diana Spencer's Still Being Dead

Interesting news out of London: Diana Spencer is still dead.

This must have come as quite the surprise to the legions of WASP housewives, celebrity addicts, fag hags, and admirers of pointless, toothless monarchies who had, through various combinations of mental illness, childish enthusiasm, and hope-beyond-hope, come to believe she could hover over the beds of the true believers as they slept, bestowing good tidings and – who knows? – perhaps slipping one pound notes under their pillows.

If you’ve at any point found yourself genuinely curious as to the contents of the Scotland Yard report, or worse have taken it upon yourself to download and read even a portion of it, do the world a favor and have yourself rendered unable to breed. Or kill yourself. And do one or the other right away, because sensible, thoughtful people cannot take the chance your rutting will produce another waterhead mutt who could learn from your tragic intellectual example.

I’m pro-life, but not that pro-life.