Thursday Update on Saturday II: New Neighbor, Uncle Ruckus, Steinhorn, Other Nonsense.

In the exactly four years I’ve lived here at Camp TGO, I’ve had four downstairs neighbors. The first was a woman who was very quiet but smoked pot continuously (I knew because I could smell it, continuously) and didn’t pay rent, because potheads don’t pay rent, they pay their dealers. She was gone in very short order. The second was a guy who stayed here for a few years and became a good buddy of mine, Smitty. The third was Pothead Gina, an early nominee for the White Trash Hall of Fame, a nitwit of such proportions she was simultaneously a disgrace to not only her gender, but her race, as well. Eventually, Pothead Gina brought in her physically gorgeous pothead daughter, who in turn brought a boyfriend. The latter two paid the bills, because Pothead Gina couldn’t be bothered to work. (Again, potheads don’t pay bills, they pay their dealers.) A few months ago, Pothead Gina and Hot Daughter got into a fight; a window was broken, an arrest was made – and they were gone, mercifully.

(This must sound like a shithole neighborhood, but I assure you, it’s actually quite a nice place to live, or else I wouldn’t have stayed here for four years.)

Now we have Lori, a black woman who loves the white man. (Not in the way Uncle Ruckus loves the white man, I mean physically. I mention it only because I wanted to mention Uncle Ruckus, the world’s most self-hating black man and the funniest recurring character on The Boondocks cartoon. As soon as I can isolate the audio, I’ll post the song he sings in the show’s first episode, which if I remember correctly is called “Don’t Trust Them New Niggers Over There,” a song so utterly racist and wrong it’s hilarious. It will definitely be included in the new TGO Radio’s “Out of Context Audio” segment.)

Lori is very pleasant and respectful of a writer’s sleeping schedule. In other words, she’s perfect. We’ve spoken a few times … I don’t know much about her, except that she’s from Fort Wayne, Indiana, her boyfriend finishes early and she has phenomenal interior decorating skills. (The knowledge of her boyfriend came about 7.30am last Sunday, before Lori and I had a chance to talk about the unrequited beauty that can be found in silence. It hasn’t happened since.) In return I have asked about her work and sleeping schedule, as to avoid waking her … as it turns out, she works early in the morning until about 3pm and is a very heavy sleeper (thank God).

No sooner did I call Leonard Steinhorn a nitwit, badmouth the ad for his book “The Greater Generation” and post his reply e-mail to me, this blog had its biggest week since I posted excerpts of a Master / Slave contract last year. Steinhorn and I have traded fistfuls of e-mails … he still doesn’t always get when I’m joking with him, but otherwise it’s gone well. I suggested the two of us appear on the Falafel Factor and stage a fistfight ala Jerry Lawyer and Andy Kaufman in 1981, and he didn’t seem averse to the idea. He has talked me into at least reading the book, which I will buy as soon as I have the extra money. I did not suggest he should read mine, which is free and can be found here.

And now, the reason you come here: Nonsense.

“Pub chef Mark Hunt accidentally stabbed himself to death after a knife trick went grotesquely wrong …. He screamed for help and his girlfriend … and boss found him slumped over a sink mumbling: “It slipped, it slipped.”

Greatest Story Ever: Jenna Jameson admitted on the Howard Stern show that she and Jenny McCarthy once had a lesbian makeout session. I knew Jenny McCarthy was cool.

Hillary Clinton, in the middle of saying “No shit, Sherlock.”

Kamikaze Crocodile Attacking Cars.

Sex Education Teacher Asks Female Students if He Can Sign Their Asses.