I Have Nothing to Say to You People.

Left hamstring feeling much better; will get back to working out Tuesday morning on some equipment lent by a neighbor. Further explanation as to the exact workout routine later this week, but the upshot is that I’d like to capitalize on the few pounds I’ve lost in the next month, before embarking on my 2007 I Have Nothing To Say to You People World Tour of Parts of the Midwest, beginning at the end of August and continuing through the first half of September. Currently seeking groupies to service me at various stops along the way.

But this cold has lingered all week. “I’ve got a cold,” I told the very attractive midget girl working the gas station last Wednesday night, “so no tongue kissing.” Wish you could have seen her face. What a good sport.

Iraqi celebrations turn deadly in the wake of its national team winning a soccer championship over the weekend. (Which championship? Who cares; it’s soccer.) Nice going, Iraq. Americans would have never known any progress was being made there until we saw you riot over a sports championship, like here in the States. If only the Iraqis would start murdering other spectators in the stands, they could warm the hearts of Europeans and Central Americans, as well.

The upside being, of course, that if the Iraqi team had lost the championship game, the players wouldn’t have been forced to kick around a concrete soccer ball in the aftermath, as was common under the previous regime.

List: Ten Songs That Will Probably Kill the Mood at an Orgy.

“Why Does it Hurt When I Pee?” by Dog Eat Dog
“Having My Baby” by Paul Anka
“The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” by Gordon Lightfoot
“The Night Chicago Died” by Paper Lace
“Goodbye English Rose” by Elton John
“Don’t Try Suicide” by Queen
“Little Willy” by Sweet
“Misery” by Soul Asylum
“Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother” by Jerry Jeff Walker
The Roots theme