Greg Gutfeld Also Understands Eliot Spitzer, in Another Way

From Red Eye, 3am Wednesday morning, 12 March.

"Spitzer: Victim of Ugly, Rich Guy Syndrome"

What can Elliot Spitzer do to save himself? He needs to be honest.

Fact is, he's an ugly dork. He spent his young adult life saddled with a goofy frame, which served as a pedestal for a face that gives children nightmares. And that's why he ended up where is he today.

Instead of picking up chicks, he picked up books. He scored an amazing 1590 on the SAT exam and went to Princeton, where he was elected chairman of the student government. Then he nailed a perfect score on the LSAT and went on to Harvard Law. He got married and had kids.

But something was missing and that was something was called "getting your freak on."

But now as governor of New York he has power. And so he fell victim to "Ugly Rich Guy Disorder" — otherwise known as Bill Maher Syndrome — in which a dorky guy desperately tries to make up for lost time by having as much sex as possible.

Mahr, no lady killer when obscure, practically lives at the Playboy mansion now. Spitzer would have done the same, if he didn't have to be so discreet — hence, the whores.

So how does Spitzer get out of this? By getting other ugly rich guys to back him. If he just says, "Look, I'm not an attractive guy. I didn't get laid in high school," then wealthy nerds across the country will rise up to defend him, led by Jeremy Piven, I hope.

And if you disagree with me, then you sir are worse than Hitler.